dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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