I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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