In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
