Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
