Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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