I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
