Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
