i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize