Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
