There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
