the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
