before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
