I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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