Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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