I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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