I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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