I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
