mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
