shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Only a mothe r could love this liver
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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