All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I need water and some morals
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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