who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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