In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
