Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Randomize
