I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize