um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I'm always down for nudity.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
