i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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