piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
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