I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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