I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
