my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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