im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Randomize
