Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
