nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
