Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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