i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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