This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I don't deserve a penis
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
