I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
