your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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