I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
