i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
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