He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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