y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
