in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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