highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
