trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
