does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Just cropdusted the office
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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