i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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