okay pat passed out under dana's car
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
