I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
