i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
