im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Randomize
