well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
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