theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
not ubering you a puppy
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
