i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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