god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
