I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
