Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
