I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
