so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
