DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
