you traded sex for a burrito?
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
