If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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