Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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