my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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