I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
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