My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
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